Grapefruit Moon

"Grapefruit moon, one star shining, shining down on me." Tom Waits

When I opened the back door to let the dogs out, a waning full moon was hanging in the Western sky with one bright star visible over the trees. The morning is clear and crisp after a week of "air stagnation." Ice coats the car and the windows of the deck. The hanging plants are limp and lifeless. Only a few days left before Solstice and the turning of the season. These are dark nights that come early and are loathe to go away.

I love the dark. I have always felt safer when it is night. I wrap it around me like a shield. It is comforting. For me it is a safety zone, a time when nothing bad is likely to happen. A time I am tucked in my own home. Too late for people to drop by, too late for phone calls. The sounds outside are muted and distant. No shouts of children or power tools ripping the silence. Darkness hides imperfections and conceals things waiting to be done.

Now a feeble sun is pushing through the clouds and the dark is dispelled and gone for today. It is Monday and time to venture into the nether regions of the storage unit and find the Christmas decorations. Em will come tomorrow to help me put them up. I have a tiny fake tree, some wreaths, and lots of sparkling lights. I have to hide the presents I have gotten for her.

I walk on a knife edge between holiday cheer and overwhelming depression. This has always been a hard time of year for me. Memories of childhood, missing the ones who are gone. But having grandchildren changes everything. Their bright eyes and belief in Santa is hard to resist. Whatever I do, I do for them.